The Real Reason Your Ex Tries to Stay Friends Is Not About Feelings, But About…
You’ve seen this movie before. The relationship ends—sometimes dramatically, sometimes with a slow, quiet sigh. You do the hard work of untangling your lives, dividing the books and the photo albums, and learning to sleep on your side of the bed again. Just as you’re starting to find your footing, the text arrives: “Hey, I miss our friendship. Can we get coffee?”
It’s a tempting offer. After all, this person was your best friend. The idea of losing them completely is painful. But before you say yes, consider this: the real reason your ex is pushing for friendship often has very little to do with lingering romantic feelings and everything to do with convenience and emotional security.
Think about Arthur, who reached out to his ex-wife, Carol, for months after their divorce. He’d text about a funny memory, comment on her social media posts, and suggest casual lunches. Carol, initially hopeful he wanted reconciliation, eventually realized the pattern. Arthur only contacted her when he was between jobs, feeling insecure about his career. He wasn’t missing her; he was missing the emotional support system she represented. He wanted the comfort of a familiar audience for his anxieties without the responsibility of being a full partner.
Then there’s the case of control. An ex who insists on staying friends often can’t stand the idea of you moving on completely. By keeping you in the “friend zone,” they maintain a foothold in your life. They get to know about your new relationships, offer their unsolicited “friendly” advice, and subtly undermine your new connections. This isn’t friendship; it’s a strategy to ensure they remain the most important person in your emotional world, even from a distance.
For some, the friendship offer is purely practical. They want to keep the benefits you provided without the commitment. Maybe you were great at helping with their taxes, fixing things around their apartment, or giving career advice. An “ex-friend” is a handy resource to have on standby. It’s the emotional equivalent of keeping a tool in the garage “just in case”—you don’t use it every day, but it’s nice to know it’s there when you need it.
Perhaps the most common reason is what psychologists call “emotional closure avoidance.” Ending a relationship is a final, painful acknowledgment that a chapter is over. By converting a romance into a friendship, your ex can pretend the breakup wasn’t really a true ending. They get to avoid the messy, painful, but necessary work of grieving the loss. They’re essentially trying to put a band-aid on an amputation, hoping if they can still text you about their day, the heartbreak doesn’t have to be fully felt.
So, the next time your ex reaches out with an offer of friendship, pause. Ask yourself a simple question: Is this about building a new, balanced, and respectful friendship, or is it about their desire to maintain access to the emotional real estate you once occupied? True friendship requires a foundation of mutual respect and a clean break from the past. What your ex is often offering isn’t friendship; it’s the ghost of your old relationship, and no one needs a ghost for a friend. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to wish them well, close the door gently, and give yourselves the space to truly move on.