Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex.
The Question:
First up, Eddie, a 34-year-old straight guy from Virginia wants to know: “Why do girls not like when you ask for sex directly? I feel like I’m always playing games when it would be easier if we just admitted we both want to fuck.”
The Answer:
Hey Eddie.
There are several answers to your question, and I’m going to explain them from most to least morbid. What’s that? Morbid? You weren’t expecting a serious word like that in this fun sexy column? Well, buckle up, boys.
1. Actual Violence & Danger
By playing games, I assume you mean dating. You just want to match with someone, or meet at a bar, if that happens anymore, and agree to go fuck. Why do you have to pretend to want to get to know her, and ask her on a date? What’s with all the old-fashioned pageantry? You’re not a gentleman caller, you’re someone on a dating app.
That’s all well and good, but the unpleasant truth is that she probably wants to make sure that you’re not going to murder her first. This is a real concern! Lots of guys probably think that sexism is a thing of the past, but unfortunately, male violence against women is very much still ongoing.
The saddest fact here is that women face more violence from their so-called romantic partners than they do from strangers, but by getting to know you a little bit, she can at least make sure you don’t give Ted Bundy vibes. Ted Bundy got away with killing for literally decades. Please give her the gift of sniffing you out to make sure that she feels safe around you.
2. Bad Sexual Experiences
Next. Let’s say that she decides that you probably won’t murder her. There are still a lot of super scary risks that come with sex. There’s been a lot of reporting that the world has gone anti-sex, or that Gen Z doesn’t like sex, or that we’re in a “sex recession.”
I honestly think that a lot of kids today saw older generations, millennials, and even the second-wave feminists of the ’70s, have some really nasty experiences with casual sex.
For a long time, everyone was so obsessed with rebelling against the housewife era by exploring sexual liberation that they glossed over consent and stranger danger.
It’s super fun to say that anyone can go have casual sex and it’s all empowering, but being totally honest with you, a lot of millennials went out and did that, and got assaulted, or had the kind of sex that was in a consensual grey area and left them with some form of trauma!
3. Pregnancy Risks
You probably already know this, but cis-hetero sex can often lead to pregnancy.
For people with uteruses, this is a significant factor to keep in mind, and preventing yourself from getting stuck with a pregnancy you don’t want is something they have to spend a lot more time and energy on than do people with penises.
Now, the typical reply here is, well, there are ways to prevent pregnancy! There absolutely are — but when it’s your body that an embryo could be growing in, the risks of something going wrong are a lot less hypothetical and a lot more real.
For starters, hormonal birth control has side effects. For many people, it sucks your creativity, blunts your emotions, or makes you crazy. Second, condoms can break. The package says 98 percent effective, but factoring human error, it’s actually more like 87 percent. And while abortion should be legal and free, in case you haven’t been following the news, it’s not really either of those things.
Even if you’re boning a woman in a blue state, getting an abortion can be fucking awful. It’s a shame that the procedure has been so maligned that I can’t type that without feeling like a bad Democrat (I literally have written a book about abortion), but it’s true.
It’s painful and expensive and for a lot of people, super emotionally and potentially spiritually taxing. As someone with a penis, it’s sooooo easy for you to say, “Let’s just fuck.” But you just truly don’t have a clue how complex it is for people who can get pregnant.
4. Sexually Transmitted Infections
Pregnancy isn’t the only physical condition that can arise from penis-in-vagina sex. That’s right, I’m talking about sexually transmitted infections.
I agree with all my heart that it is important to destigmatize STIs. They are all treatable today, and experiencing an STI doesn’t make you a gross person, it makes you adventurous and interesting.
But a $250 urgent care visit plus taking antibiotics that give you diarrhea? A lot of this so-called game-playing is likely sussing out if you’re worth the trouble, because who can afford that in this economy? Of course, women aren’t the only people who catch STIs — but it’s yet another thing she has to think about before jumping into bed with people.
5. Waiting Can Make Sex Hotter
So, as you can see, the stakes are really high for women! However, now we can get to the more fun part of my answer.
One good reason to take things a bit slower? Sexual tension makes sex so much better. It’s why romance novels don’t let the characters bang until somewhere around Chapter 22.
This isn’t just about wanting to be safe, but is about real brain science. In books, a happy ending works best when it’s earned, and the same is true for sex. Unresolved desire, especially sexual desire, stimulates the brain’s reward system. Dopamine spikes, that’s the sexy chemical linked to amazing feelings of pleasure.
If you spend some time together, and get to know one another, the build-up will be better, which means the release will be better. Delayed gratification also affects the part of the brain associated with memory and attachment, which helps make the sex not only physically better, but memorable. Don’t you want her to remember you, Eddie?
But by the way, some women *do* like it when you ask directly. It’s best to do this in person, but it can be super hot. Just be like, “Hey, we’re both clearly sexual people, and attracted to one another, let’s bone.”
But you gotta hang out with her and suss it out. Read the vibes, you know?
5. Some People Prefer to Move Slower
Finally, yes, to be totally honest with you, she might be playing these games because she’s interested in a relationship. Why not just go on a few dates to give it a whirl and see how it goes? Life is very surprising like that. The best things are always what you didn’t think you wanted.