This is a deeply complex and painful issue, and the “real reason” is rarely simple. It’s usually a tangled web of several factors, rooted in self-preservation and fear rather than love or a clear plan.
While every situation is unique, the decision to stay in a marriage while being unfaithful often stems from a combination of the following core reasons:
1. The Comfort of the “Golden Cage”
This is perhaps the most powerful factor. The marriage provides a foundation of stability, security, and comfort—a “golden cage.” This includes:
- Financial Security: Entwined bank accounts, shared assets, a lifestyle, and retirement plans are incredibly difficult to untangle. The prospect of financial ruin, alimony, or a lower standard of living is a massive deterrent.
- Social and Family Structure: They fear the judgment of friends and family, the upheaval of shared social circles, and, most importantly, the impact on children. The idea of becoming a “part-time parent” or causing their children pain is often unbearable.
- Routine and Identity: Their entire life—their home, their role as a spouse, their daily routines—is built around the marriage. Leaving means dismantling their entire identity and facing the unknown.
2. A Profound Fear of Being the “Bad Guy”
The cheater is often acutely aware that they are the one who broke the vows. To leave on top of that would cement their role as the villain in the story—both in the eyes of their family and in their own self-narrative. By staying, even unhappily, they can maintain a shred of moral high ground or tell themselves, “I’m trying to make it work.” It’s a way to manage their own guilt and avoid the full social consequences of their actions.
3. The Affair is a Fantasy, Not a Foundation
The affair often exists in a bubble—a space free from the pressures of mortgages, sick children, and household chores. It’s built on excitement and escape, not on the hard, unglamorous work of building a life with someone. The cheater knows, on some level, that the affair would likely crumble under the weight of real-world responsibilities. They aren’t leaving their marriage for the other person; they are using the other person as an escape from their marriage.
4. Paralysis by Indecision and Cowardice
At its core, the inability to leave is often a symptom of deep-seated cowardice and an inability to make a difficult, life-altering decision. They are trapped between two unsatisfying options: the misery of a stagnant marriage and the terrifying uncertainty of divorce. So, they choose the passive path of least resistance—maintaining the status quo. This inaction allows them to avoid the short-term pain of a breakup, even if it guarantees long-term dysfunction for everyone involved.
5. They Still Love Their Spouse (But Are Not In Love)
This is a difficult truth for the betrayed partner to hear, but it’s common. A cheater may have a deep, familial love for their spouse—a love built on shared history and family—but the romantic, passionate connection has faded. They don’t want to hurt their “best friend,” but they also crave the passion and validation they get from the affair. They are trying, in a deeply flawed and selfish way, to have both.
The Crucial Takeaway
The unifying thread in all these reasons is self-interest. The cheating partner is not making a choice based on what is best for their spouse or even the affair partner. They are making a choice based on what is safest, most comfortable, and least frightening for themselves.
They are prioritizing their own security, their own fear of conflict, and their own desire to have their emotional and physical needs met without the cost of accountability.
Understanding this can be both devastating and liberating for the betrayed partner. It means the decision to stay or leave has nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with their inability to face reality and make a brave, honest choice. The real reason they won’t leave is not because the marriage is too good to lose, but because the consequences of leaving are too scary to face.